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Post by Admin Sydnee on Nov 9, 2012 18:43:07 GMT -5
Dakota didn't feel well. It was as if he'd had a constant fever ever since that night. He'd lit a tree on fire outside his dorm room and it burned to the ground. The fire was only stopped because a student with control over water had decided to put it out. Dakota was thankful for that, but it didn't stop the whispers across campus about his freak out and how some speculated it was related to Talon because news spread of him trying to kill himself the very next day.
The guilt was weighing on him heavily. He hadn't known what to say when Talon uttered those words, he could barely think. Was he gay? He refused to believe that he'd just been kissing Talon for the sheer pleasure of it. He wasn't like that, he wasn't some asshole who used people, but then what did it mean? Was he bi-sexual? His head hurt thinking about it.
He hadn't left the room a lot lately, but had finally managed to attend his classes today, but right after, he'd retired to his dorm room, collapsing onto his bed. He stared at the ceiling for hours.
Talon was back on campus. He knew that much, but he avoided coming back to the room at all costs. Dakota wondered where he slept or how he was doing, but he also knew that Talon was avoiding him and Dakota couldn't help but feel responsible for his suicide attempt.
Apparently some girl had saved his life, but that was all he knew. And he yearned to see Talon, to tell him how sorry he was, even if it wouldn't help in the least bit.
He needed to figure things out, figure out who he was. He needed to learn to control his power and come to terms with his sexuality, whatever it may be.
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Post by Admin Courtney on Nov 9, 2012 19:06:07 GMT -5
From his corner in the common room, Talon had seen everyone go to class. Talon, who was technically not exempt from classes was taking advantage of not being called out by his teachers because he had just tried to kill himself, and was not attending his classes.
But the dorms were empty, meaning he could stop avoiding his dorm room for a bit and change his clothes and take a shower without worrying about Dakota being up there. Plus he had finished a pack of cigarettes, and his other packs were under his bed.
Talon showered, enjoying the feel of the warm water. He could not help but glance around the communal bathroom and was disappointed to find that no one had forgotten a razor anywhere. They had probably all been warned not to leave stuff like that lying around. With a sigh, Talon stepped out of the shower and towel-dried himself before wrapping the towel around his waist and carrying his shampoo and body soap with him. When he stepped into his dorm room, he did not notice Dakota immediately and tossed the soap and shampoo onto his bed. Then he caught movement out of the corner of his eye and froze.
No, he thought, panicked.
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Post by Admin Sydnee on Nov 9, 2012 19:19:56 GMT -5
Dakota looked up when the door was open, finally averting his eyes from the ceiling to take in the bare chest of his roommate. And not the one he expected to see. He sat up quickly, looking over at him, practically amazed that he was here and not sure at all what to say.
Talon seemed to froze as he noticed that he was here and he had to do all he could not to word vomit all over the place. "I didn't think....I'd see you for a while," he mumbled. "I've been meaning to...talk to you. I'm glad you're okay." He could have been dead and he was so glad that he wasn't and not just because he'd feel guilty if he was.
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Post by Admin Courtney on Nov 9, 2012 19:27:16 GMT -5
Just his luck. It was Dakota. A scowl crossed Talon's face. He walked passed his roommate, trying to ignore him. But that, of course, did not work.
Dakota began to speak to him, and Talon cursed himself silently for wanting to just get lost in Dakota's kiss. But no way was he going to let that happen. He was vulnerable enough without having to face a second rejection.
"I didn't think I'd see anyone for a while," Talon replied, saying the only thing that he could think of. Of course his reply was snarky, but he could not help it. It was also the truth. "Or ever. Death does that, but apparently my death wasn't in the cards." He stood by his bed and reached under for a pair of boxers, then let his towel drop, his back facing Dakota as he pulled the boxers on.
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Post by Admin Sydnee on Nov 9, 2012 19:34:48 GMT -5
Dakota should have expected Talon to look at him like that, and to reply so bitterly, but even if he'd expected it, it still stung. He fell silent, biting his lip, his gaze shifting to the wall of their dorm room as he tried to think of something to say, anything. "I know...that you probably didn't want to be saved....but I'm really grateful for that Jade girl. I should have... I should have gone after you or something, Talon. I..." He trailed off, turning to try and look at him once more, only to catch a glimpse of Talon's bare backside as he pulled on his boxer shorts.
Okay, so why was he so enthralled by that? He shook his head, trying to concentrate on the situation at hand. "I lost control....and I burned down a tree....and I....Talon, I am so sorry." He felt like an idiot, an asshole even for what he'd led Talon to do.
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Post by Admin Courtney on Nov 9, 2012 19:46:08 GMT -5
"Well you can go tell Jade thank you, then," Talon muttered bitterly as he tugged the boxers over his hips and then got on his knees to retrieve a pack of cigarettes from beneath his bed.
"To be honest, I'm glad you hadn't gone after me. You wouldn't have found me anyway. I was in a girl's bathroom." He was muttering to the underside of his bed and it was likely that Dakota might not be able to make out the words, but Talon didn't care. His hand found a cigarette pack and he pulled it out, but as Dakota told him about the tree, he stayed on his hands and knees and sighed. Talon closed his eyes and let his barrier down slightly, his shoulders slumping.
"Am I supposed to accept your apology now and then apologise for falling for you?" he asked, but his tone no longer held the spite it had moments before. He shifted so he was now sitting on the floor, his legs crossed and the cigarette pack in one hand. He looked at Dakota, his expression dull, and he shrugged. What was he supposed to say?
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Post by Admin Sydnee on Nov 9, 2012 19:53:10 GMT -5
Dakota sighed, watching as Talon rummaged around for his pack of cigarettes. He'd made out a few words that he'd said, but most of them were muffled. However, he knew that Talon said he was glad he hadn't gone after him.
"No..." he said a little too quickly. "I mean...you don't have to accept my apology or apologize or anything....I just feel horrible for what I did. I wasn't....I'm not in the right state of mind. I don't know what I want or who I am. I like you, Talon, I do. But I can't just....I don't even know if I'm gay or what's going on with me and..." he sighed, swallowing the lump in his throat. The guilt was overwhelming. "I should be apologizing. I shouldn't have....been kissing you if I didn't know what it meant for me."
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Post by Admin Courtney on Nov 9, 2012 20:15:11 GMT -5
Talon stared at Dakota as his roommate spoke, slowly rotating the cigarette pack. It stung over and over again as Dakota spoke about how he was still conflicted. How he liked Talon but he didn't know what it meant. Talon winced at his words, but at least this time he didn't run off to hunt for razor blades. He scratched the bandage that was wrapped around his arm even though he had been told not to. His skin was stitched up, but the doctors told him he would always have a scar there now. The cut had been too deep to heal completely.
"Well thanks for regretting kissing me," he said dully. "I feel so fantastic." He pulled out a cigarette and tossed the pack onto his bed, grabbing a lighter from the floor and flicking it on. He was glad his doctors had the sense not to take his cigarettes away. They at least calmed him slightly.
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Post by Admin Sydnee on Nov 9, 2012 20:52:07 GMT -5
Dakota had a feeling that with every word he said, he was making things worse. Maybe he should have just not said anything at all. He hated himself for what he'd done, for not figuring things out sooner, for not telling Talon about how unsure of his sexuality he was. "I don't regret it..." he trailed off. "That's not what I meant, Talon." He didn't know what else to say, watching as he flicked on the lighter, mesmerized by the flame for a moment.
He was so messed up, so unsure about everything and he'd hurt Talon in the process. This was why he'd kept to himself. Everything started to change with him when he'd acquired his power. It was as if it all happened at once. "I'm sorry," he muttered pathetically, hating himself and looking down at his bed sheets as if they were suddenly more interesting. He felt the urge to burst into flames all over again.
He and Talon were there for each other and now...now he felt alone all over again and it was all because of his actions. He'd pushed Talon over the edge. It was his fault. He ran a hand through his black hair, not knowing what to do or say next.
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Post by Admin Courtney on Nov 9, 2012 21:09:11 GMT -5
Talon blew out a stream of smoke as he stared at Dakota. This conversation was not helping his state of mind at all. But now that he was in the same room as Dakota, he did not want to leave. He did, but he also didn't. He still had feelings for his roommate, and though he was hurt, those feelings were not just going to away. He sighed and pushed himself up off the floor.
"Look," he said, folding an arm over his bare chest while his other he held vertically so he could still smoke. "I didn't just kill myself because you rejected me." He figured Dakota should know this. He wasn't sure if it would help, but he decided to give it a shot anyway. "I've always been really unstable. I mean, my sister died when I was younger, and I never got over it. I lost her, and I never will get over it. I've been in therapy for years. And yeah, I was really fucking upset when you pushed me away like that, but while I was sitting in the bathroom bleeding to death and wishing my life away, I was thinking of my sister and how I didn't deserve to live if she couldn't." He paused to take another drag of the cigarette. "So like... you don't have to blame yourself." But Talon knew how guilt worked. He knew it all too well.
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Post by Admin Sydnee on Nov 9, 2012 23:17:27 GMT -5
"I wasn't saying that, Talon. Believe me, I don't think I'm that amazing that somebody would kill themselves over me. I just...I feel like I pushed you over the edge. If I hadn't done that, you might not have ran off and done what you did. I wanted to help you, but I don't know how. And maybe it's because...I can't even begin to help myself," Dakota explained, feeling more horrible as he spoke. "And....your sister....she'd probably want you to live, Talon."
"And I know I don't have to blame myself, but I can't help it, okay? Everybody thinks it's my fault. Our other roommate," He stopped to point at the empty bed. "thinks that I did something to make you want to kill yourself, but I just....there's something about you. And I know you act like you don't give a fuck, but the problem is, you care way too much. Don't you?"
He got up from his bed, wishing he had someway to let off the emotions that were building up, making him want to explode. "I don't even know what I'm trying to say, but I think it's something along the lines of I'm a lowlife loser who was an asshole and I think I just need to figure things out for myself before I hurt anybody anymore, including you."
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Post by Admin Courtney on Nov 9, 2012 23:34:56 GMT -5
Talon shrugged. Dakota made a point. He technically had pushed Talon over the edge, and he supposed that it was fair of Dakota to feel guilty for it. Talon understood, in a way.
"Dude, you were just being honest. You can't beat yourself up for it," he said. "I don't blame you, so I don't think you should blame you."
His expression darkened when Dakota mention Leah. He clenched his jaw tightly together until his hurt to stop himself from lashing out verbally at Dakota. A few choice phrases flew through his mind but he did everything he could to keep them at bay. He did not want to start an argument right now. He knew Leah wanted him to live, but he was furious that Dakota would say something like that. As if Talon didn't feel guilty enough. Of course, Dakota had no idea that Talon's sister was following him around unseen by all but Jade. He knew Leah did not want him to die, but Talon wanted it, and wasn't that enough? Was it selfish? Maybe, but Leah wasn't around anymore. What did it matter now if he died?
He flinched when his roommate had him pegged. "So? So maybe I do care too much. I try not to, all right? I don't even know why I care. It's not worth it, that's for sure. All it ends in is... well..." He held up his bandaged wrist. "This." He paced the room until he reached his bed again and collapsted onto it, hands grasping his hair as Dakota freaked out.
"Just, I don't know, just don't kiss anymore guys until you know it's what you want. I mean, you can kiss someone once if you need to use it as a testing tool, I don't know," he said, feeling frustrated. "Just don't make out with the same guy multiple times so that he cares about you so much he dreams you died and gets so freaked out that when you reject him he wants to jump off a cliff!" His words came out in a rush, too late for him to take them back. His chest rose and fell rapidly and he grabbed a pillow, holding it over his face and trying to calm down.
Don't think about it, he thought to himself, over and over. Don't fucking think about it.
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Post by Admin Sydnee on Nov 9, 2012 23:43:05 GMT -5
"I know I was being honest, but I wasn't trying to be mean," Dakota said, sighing. Sometimes they were the same thing. He sensed that Talon hadn't liked him mentioning his sister, but he'd brought it up, hadn't he? Still, he felt bad. He shouldn't be digging around where Talon didn't want him. He didn't like it when people did the same thing to him.
"Sometimes I think the people who care too much are screwed. They carry a weight on their shoulders that nobody else can imagine," he rambled on. "But I shouldn't have done what I did. I...." He understood Talon's frustration but his words made Dakota want to break, or set another tree on fire. "I'm so sorry, Talon. I...I had no idea. I really didn't think...I didn't think it was possible for you to feel that way about me. I..." he trailed off as Talon held a pillow over his face. "I'm just making things worse, aren't I?"
I should shut up.
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Post by Admin Courtney on Nov 9, 2012 23:53:08 GMT -5
Talon sighed and rubbed his forehead. "I know," he admitted in a groan. He knew Dakota hadn't been trying to be mean, but that didn't mean it hadn't hurt.
With the pillow over his face now, he just listened as Dakota scrambled to find the right words to say. He really was terrible at it, and Talon hated that he found it so endearing. It was not going to work between he and Dakota, not after everything that had happened. Dakota would carry with him the guilt of what had happened, and Talon would not be able to forget the feeling of telling Dakota that he loved him in such a vulnerable state and then Dakota rejecting him.
He slowly pulled the pillow away from his face and stared up at the ceiling. "People who care too much do carry a weight on their shoulders. And it gets heavier and heavier until it crushes them. Every now and then it crushes me, and I let it. And then someone pulls me out from under it, and it starts all over again. I just wish they would let it crush me, because there's no way I can conquer it on my own. The boulder's never going away. I'm just, I don't know, weak, I guess."
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Post by Admin Sydnee on Nov 9, 2012 23:59:57 GMT -5
"You're not weak, you're human," Dakota offered. It was the truth. "And I'm sorry that my actions were the thing that pushed you over the edge. I didn't mean for it to happen and I'd tell you I'm sorry until I'm blue in the face, but I'm not sure what good that's going to do." He walked forwards to where his roommate was.
"I know that....that things progressed so quickly and that now we're both messed up because of it, but....will you at least be my roommate again?" He knew it was a pathetic question, but he couldn't handle being here with their other roommate, all on his own. And even if things were still painfully awkward with Talon and he wasn't sure that things would completely ever be okay, he still had to thank him. For even making him realize that he was ignoring his sexuality.
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